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What kind of Use My husband and meaningful relationships or invalid copy The Best Guy? Heshe is interfering with theres always call. shidduch dating blog You . Shidduch Dating Tips and Advice. Have some shidduch dating tips or advice not mentioned here? Contact the webmaster at: [email protected] And real friendships and relationships create dating opportunities based and advice about relationships – a rosh yeshiva, a community rabbi.
By necessity this means opening oneself up to possible rejection and hurt feelings. Those closest to you have the greatest ability to hurt you — but we have a natural need to be close to other people. Avoiding direct expression, which has become de rigueur among religious Jews, flies smack in the face of the very reason for dating. I firmly believe that this not only impedes proper shidduchim, but is a primary cause of the sharp rise in unhappy and abusive marriages.
An Open Letter to Jewish Singles
In the olden days, before every aspect of dating was agonizing and pressurized, it was standard for men and women to decide immediately after a date, or even during the date, if they would see each other again. On those magical occasions when the interest was mutual, they continued the relationship without ambiguity or unnecessary external meddling.Shidduch Date Gone Bad
An element of doubt and fear is intentionally introduced into the situation as a defense mechanism. The romance, the willingness to display interest and affection with no guarantee of it being reciprocated, the ability for singles to openly communicate with one another about their relationship, is ripped out of dating — the shadchan will get back to you with the verdict. For every baby step forward in the relationship they must immediately jump back three-quarters of a step, as if cautiously testing a hot bath.
Honestly, the day will come when a boy proposes to a girl through an intermediary. Rejection will hurt whether it comes immediately or days later through an intermediary.
The Dating Process | Shidduchim
Hiding behind an intermediary makes it easier for the one doing the rejecting, but ultimately this stunts the ability of singles to communicate and develop a healthy relationship with the opposite sex.
Perhaps if they developed these vital skills, they would learn to soften the impact of rejection without hiding behind a spokesperson. Inhibiting singles from communicating at any stage of the relationship leads to far greater problems than the ones this purports to solve. The willingness and preparedness to communicate should be a prerequisite for dating.
Parents and shadchanim should encourage singles to take charge of their own relationships, to communicate openly and honestly with the people they date. This will ultimately lead to more shidduchim and happier marriages, which is well worth the growing pains it may entail. Chananya Weissman is the founder of EndTheMadness. This may include intelligence, but should also address general interests, the type of things they each enjoy doing or feel is important to do, use of free time, and what each finds interesting, amusing, important, boring or a waste of time.
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While all of these areas of compatibility — both the broader and more specific dimensions — are important in determining suitability, they are not enough. Perhaps because it is harder to quantify, emotional compatibility frequently is not even on the radar screen of either the couple or their families.
Every person has his or her emotional orientation, defined as the way one reacts to the world and life issues inevitably confronted. For example, some people are high strung, nervous, and excitable. Others are more laid back, or even-keeled. Some are happy-go-lucky, and likely to take things in stride, while others are more thoughtful and introspective, deeply affected by events. Some people are expressive, wearing their emotions on their sleeves, while others are more reserved.
The challenge, of course, is in determining the type of person with whom one is likely to be compatible. For those in a community in which non-marriage relationships with the opposite gender are not common, this might seem particularly challenging.
However, emotional compatibility is not limited to the marriage relationship; it is encountered through the many relationships one has as a child, teenager and young adult.
The first step in considering with whom one is emotionally compatibility is, therefore, reviewing the kinds of people with whom one has tended to form close friendships. Are there patterns in the type of buddies one chooses in school, yeshiva, camp, summer jobs, or the neighborhood?
Shidduch dating poses problems when it comes to attraction
While people often have a wide circle of friends, there are always those closest few, with whom one shares the most. In fact, there are many who struggle mightily in their adolescent and post-adolescent friendships.
The following questions might be helpful when using a pattern of friendships to determine with whom one might be compatible: Can you think of friendships in your life that have been satisfying, enjoyable and positive experiences?
Did these friendships make you happy? Did they feel equitable, in that you felt you gave and received in more or less equal measures?
Helping someone review the relationships in their life that met — or definitely did not meet — the above criteria can provide guidance as to the type of person with whom they are likely to be emotionally compatible. Even those whose relationships have tended to be problematic can benefit from this exercise.
In some situations, helping someone determine with whom they are most likely to be emotionally compatible can be a relatively straightforward task. We must strive to better educate those who are mentoring to this basic need, and to guide them as to how they can be helpful.
Those who are dating should be encouraged to seek out a mentor who understands these dynamics. Character Another extremely important area of exploration that is often insufficiently addressed is character. Qualities like respectfulness, honesty, trustworthiness, sensitivity, supportiveness, and generosity are often presumed to exist in one who is otherwise found to be compatible. Most people appreciate that these qualities are the central basis of a healthy marriage, and sometimes assume that others wanting to get married will have these qualities.
love | Bad for Shidduchim
Unfortunately, some people think about marriage in terms of what they are going to get, and not in terms of what they are supposed to give. A much greater emphasis on the exploration of character needs to be introduced into the dating system. Even when looking for signs of good character, young people often misinterpret behavior, or extrapolate inaccurately.
Even nuanced observations of behavior must serve as a basis for further investigation, rather than as a basis for a life-long decision. Attention must be paid on dates to hints of unpleasantness, disrespect, untrustworthiness, dishonesty or a lack of generosity.
Often, the eagerness to find a spouse induces people to ignore these hints, but those dating must be fortified by their parents and mentors to resist their inclination to overlook them. Effective Techniques In much of our community, the dating process is rather rushed and pressured. Having too many dates is frowned upon, and too often, decisions tend to be based upon insufficiently-examined impressions and third-party reports.
Is there anything parents, teachers, or mentors can do to help those dating do a better job in determining whether their date has the appropriate character and whether they are emotionally compatible?
One thing that can be done is simply to stop answering their questions about the relationship.